Parakleta (parakleta) wrote,

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That Image...

Yesterday I got back from a weekend away at Tawonga with Jacqui, and it was an amazing weekend. I've actually been trying to figure out how to write about it for a while, without much luck, mainly because when I try to think about it my head gets all clouded and my chest gets tight and stuff.

There are certain moments in your life that serve as a real wake-up call, and make you re-evaluate the things you're doing in your life. Seeing Jacqui, the woman I love, trapped with her leg pinned under the side of my bike, was one of those moments. It's left me with a tremendously powerful image that I'm going to have with me for the rest of my life, and that carries with it powerful emotions. Before I go any further, I should mention that no one was badly hurt, beyond a little bruising, and we made it back to Melbourne Ok, just a day later than we had planned.

It really puts things into perspective in a powerful way: most importantly, I think, that I can't really afford to be young and reckless anymore, in any aspect of my life. I've spent too long as a student maybe, and I'm used to the carefree lifestyle, but I think it's more that part of me is afraid to be responsible and make choices about what to do with my life so I just drift through living moment to moment. I used to think there was more freedom in that style of living, but I think it's really just that it's more dynamic (and less stable), not that there's really any more freedom -- you're bound in different ways.

There's a lot more going on in my head, but I just can't pin it down firmly enough to write it out. I do know that that image in my mind is doing an amazing job of helping me straighten out my priorities.

Huh. I had imagined writing something eloquent and moving for this entry, I've even got bits of it floating around in my mind. Maybe when my mind clears well enough I'll write that entry, and post it here as well.

That image: Jacqui lying on the road, on her back, her left leg underneath the pannier on my bike. My bike part way underneath a caravan. Petrol dribbling out of the fuel tank. Her eyes, looking through the visor straight into mine. Her eyes showing only calm and the slightest bit of concern.

Through all this I think our relationship has come out even stronger than ever. Quite the adventurous two month anniversary, certainly one neither of us will ever forget. So much to write about, if only some of it would sit still for long enough for me to get it out.
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